149 pound Greg Hustle, a twenty-three-year-old, three-stripe white belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, says he was humbled to learn that size does matter. Hustle says he was inspired to drop his Kung Fu classes for BJJ after a young woman with whom he was “just having some fun on the dance floor” choked him unconscious over what he deemed “an innocent misunderstanding.” Citing pending litigation, he refused to elaborate further, but stated that the woman in question is a purple belt, no slouch on the tournament circuit, and said that he thinks the two of them have “mad chemistry.” The woman, who wishes to remain unnamed, refused to comment–though a public records search did turn up a restraining order against Hustle. “Let’s just say we’ve been working on opposite sides of the gym,” Hustle said when presented with a copy of the document, “but I see her vibing me.” When asked to elaborate he said, “It’s all part of the game.”
The real trouble started when Hustle, an L.A. native, swaggered up to the Aikido master and former Hollywood action star and declared the supremacy of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. “I told him straight out that his Aikido was bullshido,” Hustle said, puffing up his chest and referring to a popular online forum which seeks to debunk martial arts mythology. Hustle, who became a regular reader and contributor to bullshido after breaking with his former kung fu temple, is now known on the site for his impassioned posts regarding the supremacy of BJJ. “People need to understand,” he says, “BJJ is the ultimate ass-kicker.”
What Hustle didn’t understand, he now admits, is that Seagal is twice his weight and towers over him by almost a foot. “Sitting down,” he said, “he just looked like another fat guy with a ponytail. He pretty much looked like all the guys from my old kung fu temple, except he looked Jewish and he has a little more hair.” Hustle’s impression changed when the former Hollywood star stood up from his chair and “basically clotheslined [Hustle]” knocking him to the ground and giving him a serious case of whiplash. “When I climbed out of the dumpster I was madder than hell,” Hustle confessed, “but the bouncers wouldn’t let me in and it was probably for the best. I probably wouldn’t have stopped right at the tap if you know what I mean.”
One of Hustle’s friends, a four-stripe white belt who was at the bar that night and spoke on the condition of anonymity, says his three-stripe white belt friend is confused. “He thinks every overweight, middle-aged guy with slicked back hair is Seagal. When we used to train Kung Fu he’d be asking them for autographs and photos. Now after a few drinks he wants to call bullshido on everyone. To be honest, I’m getting a little sick of pulling Greg out of the dumpster.”
When asked about his chipped teeth, Hustle said that even though he’s drawing comparisons to Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, he’s not sure if he’s going to get them repaired. “That purple belt looked my way and smiled for the first time yesterday,” he said, feeling the triangular gap with his tongue. “Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways.”
