The Russian Systema expert Vladimir Ishnabakov was hospitalized in serious but stable condition last night after a knife-wielding assailant refused to attack him in slow motion. “It was not the proper way to attack,” said Ishnabakov from his hospital bed. Though in visible pain, the celebrated Systema expert was recovering today from multiple deep puncture wounds that his physician described as “non-life-threatening.” The hospital is holding Ishnabakov for further testing unrelated to the incident.
According to a police source, Isnnabakov sustained the wounds to his abdomen after an argument with a falafel vendor turned violent late last night. When asked what instigated the argument that led to the attack, Ishnabakov was reflective. “The world is not as it used to be,” he said. “The system is breaking down.”
Citing legal concerns, the professional martial arts instructor said he preferred not to comment further. He spoke with us at the behest of a man who identified himself as Oliver Young. Young remained at Ishnabakov’s bedside and identified himself as the Systema expert’s top student.
“In Systema,” Ishnabakov explained, “the attacker is supposed to be slow and stiff, and the defender is fluid, calm and fast. That is how the system works. It has been that way as long as I can remember. This falafel man had no respect for the system.”
Ishnabakov’s statement was verified by Young. “Without respect, the system breaks down,” Young said.
Cell phone video produced by Young showed Ishanabakov demonstrating his martial art to several students in what appeared to be a ballet studio. The video showed Young approaching Ishnabakov the right way. With a rubber knife in his hand, Young moves toward the Systema master hesitantly and in slow motion. A profusely sweating Ishnabakov appears to be struggling to smile. When Ishnabakov lays his arm on Young’s, in what seems like an attempt to steady himself, the student drops the knife and falls to the ground. It is easy to see why Ishnabakov, who Young described as “bold, strong and thick-bodied,” is being held for emergency coronary bypass surgery.
“You can see what the body is capable of when the mind is free from tension,” Young said. He expressed both disappointment and disbelief that anyone would violate the system of Systema. “Why would anyone attack Master Ishnabakov so fast?” he said.
For his part, Ishnabakov has no regrets. “I was relaxed and free of delusions,” Ishnabakov said. “This attacker simply did not understand Systema. Lucky for me, it’s not easy to penetrate a twelve-inch belly with a four-inch blade.”
Ishnabakov’s surgeon called this a “paradox of fate.” “The belly that’s killing him also may have saved his life,” she said.
CORRECTION: The argument was not, as stated in an earlier version, over the number of falafel in Ishnabakov’s pita.
systemaslc
July 14, 2016 at 5:22pmOh, come on, this is hilarious. Well done! Very good, harmless satire.
Tibor Moravcik
September 9, 2015 at 1:56pmthis is how looks a real systema expert:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpzDGV8KfD8
Bob
September 9, 2015 at 2:12pmI think the nice, slow, halting and cooperative attacks in the video are what this story (which is satire) is referring to.
CFLSystema
September 9, 2015 at 1:02pmDoes not seem authentic.
Systema expert in serious but stable condition after attacker refuses to move in slow motion | seemsleg.it
September 9, 2015 at 11:11am[…] by Yeoshan [link] [2 […]
Tibor Moravcik
September 9, 2015 at 8:07amVladimir Ishnabakov is not recognize expert of Systema.
He hasn’t web abut his class, haven’t wrote any blog, no video with him..
I don’t believe it.
Hoax
James
September 8, 2015 at 7:32pmI don’t get it. Felafel isn’t even fast food!
vaser
September 8, 2015 at 4:03pmwhen he recovers from physical injury, he will continue on mental disease dept.
Utah
September 8, 2015 at 11:50amIt’s called satire.
Look it up if you have to.
Fran Giron
September 8, 2015 at 11:18amWhat is the point to give wrong or false information?
h
September 8, 2015 at 11:17amThese are great! Love it.
Petr Reo Skůpa
September 8, 2015 at 11:02amHoax?
Tibor Moravcik
September 9, 2015 at 8:09amdefo, Vladimir Ishnabakov is not recognize expert of Systema.
He hasn’t web abut his class, haven’t wrote any blog, no video with him..
Valerie Walden
September 9, 2015 at 5:59pmThis is a parody Tibor, Actually a very talented BJJ guy wrote it. Just more of some folks who watch soft work on you tube and think that all Systema is defined by that. People who have never actually worked with Martin Wheeler, or Vladimir Vasiliev and they only know what they see in a video clip, so they don’t think Systema is real. Daniel is actually a really nice guy. I wish he would go out to the Academy and train with Martin for a couple of days. He would love the Academy and he would leave with a very different opinion of Systema. Mostly though once people make up their minds that something is bullshit they don’t often actually seek more information to determine the validity of there perspective. So yep, this a just a big HOAX. I don’t understand why someone would mock something that they have never tried. Ok if its not your thing then fine but why would you spend so much time bashing it ? If you had a genuine interest and went and trained with Martin or Vladimir or Kevin and then you decided that it was shit, sure bash away. However, I have never heard anyone go and train Systema with any of those people and come back like oh yeah dudes total crazy lala land thinks he is all slow motion knife disarming people. LMAO, i can not even imagine. To each there own opinions I guess.
Dan Caulfield
September 10, 2015 at 12:01amValarie,
I appreciate your thoughtful response.
This was intended as a funny story about imaginary characters for people who have developed a sense of humor about themselves and the martial arts. Systema was not the joke. Delusional thinking was the joke. Most people who have trained many years will get this joke. They have been true-believers, chauvinists to their art, and they can see themselves and laugh because their relationship with themselves and their art is deep and not so fragile anymore. Out of maybe 25,000 views and almost 6000 “likes” and “shares,” it seems that only practitioners of Systema had so much trouble distinguishing the imaginary from the real. That might be something to think about.
Be well,
Dan
Bruce
September 17, 2015 at 8:17amDan,
This was wonderfully done! I’d say it’s worthy of The Onion.
My vote would be to do a series where each martial art gets a turn being on the hot seat. We all deserve it, from BJJ to JKD, everyone needs to take a deep breath.
Great job,
Bruce
BNick
September 18, 2015 at 12:58amI was already pretty happy with the funny story, but this response actually put the cherry on top…. ;]
Craig Merrell
September 13, 2015 at 2:42amWell said Valerie…training with the great icons of Systema like Vladimir, Mikhail, Martin or Sonny will show you the true potential of Systema. It is a very capable system and shouldn’t be mocked. Body mechanics and fluidity is the key to success.